Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Aaron's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, September 10th, 2009
10:57 pm	What if I were something else?  If I were an atom, I would not recognize my entire amino acid.  I would hold on to a few electrons per my charge, and stick around to complete the molecule.  I would not know what rules the molecule followed, what it thought, produced, or that it was even a whole thing that was more than the sum of its parts - an amino acid.  I am holding on to my little friends, and that's it.  I would not know that the thing I am making is just as alive, self-aware, and active as I am.  Someday, I would be replaced, and the whole would go on as though nothing had happened, because it is more alive than I am.     If I were an amino acid, I would not recognize my entire protein.  I would hold on to a few other molecules per my place, and stick around to complete the protein.  I would not know what rules the protein followed, what it thought, produced, or that it was even a whole thing that was more than the sum of its parts - a protein.  I am holding on to my little friends, and that's it.  I would not know that the thing I am making is just as alive, self-aware, and active as I am.  Someday, I would be replaced, and the whole would go on as though nothing had happened, because it is more alive than I am.     If I were protein, I would not recognize my cell organelle.  I would hold on to a few other proteins per my place, and stick around to complete the organelle.  I would not know what rules the organelle followed, what it thought, produced, or that it was even a whole thing that was more than the sum of its parts - a mitochondria.  I am holding on to my little friends, and that's it.  I would not know that the thing I am making is just as alive, self-aware, and active as I am.  Someday, I would be replaced, and the whole would go on as though nothing had happened, because it is more alive than I am.     If I were a cell organelle, I would not recognize my entire cell.  I would hold on to a few other organelles per my place, and stick around to complete the cell.  I would not know what rules the cell followed, what it thought, produced, or that it was even a whole thing that was more than the sum of its parts - a cell.  I am holding on to my little friends, and that's it.  I would not know that the thing I am making is just as alive, self-aware, and active as I am.  Someday, I would be replaced, and the whole would go on as though nothing had happened, because it is more alive than I am.     If I were a cell, I would not recognize my entire organ.  I would hold on to a few other cells per my place, and stick around to complete the organ.  I would not know what rules the organ followed, what it thought, produced, or that it was even a whole thing that was more than the sum of its parts - a liver.  I am holding on to my little friends, and that's it.  I would not know that the thing I am making is just as alive, self-aware, and active as I am.  Someday, I would be replaced, and the whole would go on as though nothing had happened, because it is more alive than I am.     If I were an organ, I would not recognize my entire creature.  I would hold on to a few other organs per my place, and stick around to complete the creature.  I would not know what rules the creature followed, what it thought, produced, or that it was even a whole thing that was more than the sum of its parts - a human being.  I am holding on to my little friends, and that's it.  I would not know that the thing I am making is just as alive, self-aware, and active as I am.  Someday, I would be replaced, and the whole would go on as though nothing had happened, because it is more alive than I am.     If I were a human being, I would not recognize my entire society... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 22nd, 2009
9:43 pm	Polyamory So I'd like to start an open discussion about polyamory, or open relationships in general.  For anyone who reads this and is somehow not aware, my girlfriend Mia and I are in a polyamorous relationship.  To clarify, polyamory is to 'open relationship' as square is to rectangle.  It doesn't mean we just go fuck other people, we're not 'swingers'.  Our polyamorous relationship began with the caveat that we wouldn't sleep with others.  That's changed since then, but suffice to say - sex is not the issue, or the core of the thing. My thoughts about polyamory have been slowly growing more detailed as I live in this situation, face the difficulties and the advantages.  I have a LOT of thoughts about it, and I can't even begin to hope to organize them into some cohesive essay on the subject - hence wanting to talk about it.  I also don't feel like I've come to the end of the road in thinking about it, and good discussion often leads to better ideas. I have come to understand that Mia and my's general thoughts about what exactly polyamory means are very similar but also wildly different.  Her ideas about it focus on the idea of being able to love freely, without restraint. My thoughts on it (as is often the case in our differences)  are much more logical and analytical.  What polyamory means to me is a seperation between my relationships, and a much more dynamic, organic form of relationship with everyone I know.  What I mean is, when in a monogamous relationship, that single relationship inherently becomes intertwined with all your other relationships.  There's the obvious - you can't go get involved with anyone else.  In that way, your relationship with one person becomes a hinderance to all others.  More than that, though, the fact that you have to have a strictly defined line of 'I am with THIS person" means that all of your other relationships become as black-and-white.  You are with them, or you're not.  Obviously this isn't a huge issue with a lot of the people you know - you will have friends who there isn't some potential for a budding romantic relationship with.  Particularly when gender gets involved - if I'm a straight male, I'm not going to have conflict not being able to date my guy friends.  No issue.  But it still, in some ways, creates a binary definition to how we see relationships that I don't think bears much resemblance to how real relationships work.   More than that, even in a relationship where there is an obvious 'yes' to the 'are we involved', that yes seems to imply an all or nothing.  Either you're together in blissful happiness, or there's something horribly wrong and you need to consider breaking up/going to counseling.  This is an unfortunate necessity when you are faced with picking only a single person to be 'perfect' for you for the rest of your life.  Polyamory, however, changes the question when picking your 'mate' or 'mates'.  No longer is it, "Is this person perfect to spend my life with?"  It becomes, "Do I enjoy my time with this person?"  Any relationship is going to wax and wane depending on changes in lives, personalities, hobbies, interests, etc.  This isn't an evil, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either person involved.  If a relationship cools, it doesn't mean it's ending, or even that there's anything wrong - just that circumstances have lead to a cooling period.  It may just as easily pick up again soon, or continue to cool until the two go seperate ways and rarely see each other anymore.  But does that mean you need to have this awkward, arbitrary "break up" where you, for some reason, agree to not spend any time together regardless of what parts of your relationship may have worked well, and what parts of each other you like? Polyamory allows the pursuing of any relationship that one has, seperate and without answering to other relationships one has.  Let's face it - there may be people who find one person, fall in love, and never look at another person again.  Maybe those people are out there.  But the reality is, divorce rates are high, people 'cheat' on their significant others, and even if you're loyal - sometimes someone just catches your eye.  Sometimes you find yourself flirting with that cute girl at work.  Sometimes you find yourself wondering what it would be like with someone else.  Is that wrong?  Do we have to feel bad?  My answers would be - it's not inherently wrong, but if you're in a monogamous relationship.... well, yeah, you do sorta have to feel bad.  Monogamy comes with this spoken and partially unspoken agreement that you will keep this sort of unrealistic promise to keep your even most basic human responses under control.  I'm not talking about not succumbing to mindless lust and sleeping around.  I'm talking about finding someone else attractive.  Occasionally wondering, "What if?"  Okay... so what does that get you that polyamory might not offer? Whenever discussing polyamory with people, there is an almost universal response I get from people who are in monogamous relationships:  "Well, I just couldn't do it."  I've thought a lot about that - firstly, I felt the same way until I was put into something of an uncomfortable position of choosing to open my relationship with Mia into polyamory or let it fade away.  While that isn't ideal, looking back now, I see it was a necessity - when an idea like monogamy is based on nothing necessarily 'logical', but just social 'knowledge' (this is right, because it's right), you can't reason with it to lead the person to something more natural and happy.  Moreover, facing it that way made me think a lot about monogamy and planted the seeds that have grown into the ideas I have now. The other thing that often occurs to me thinking about the "Well I couldn't do it" is "Well... why not?"  What is it about monogamy that keeps people tied down?  I once was talking about polyamory with someone, and they asked me "So would you get married?  What'd be the point of marriage?"  And that made me think... what IS the point of marriage?  Is the love between two people not sacred unless it also requires them to not pursue additional love - is love a scarse commodity?  And is our love not valid unless legalized and put before ceremony?  What IS the point of marriage? More and more, the idea that occurs to me (and please, please feel free to contradict this if you disagree) is that the real weight behind people staying in monogamous relationships is fear.  Change is scary, for sure, but more than that we're afraid of being alone.  We're afraid of not being enough.  We're afraid of our own flaws.  So what is marriage?  What is the draw of monogamy?  What keeps people loyal to the idea of monogamy in the face of polyamory, where one can feel what they feel without having to feel guilty about it?  I have a hard time thinking it's anything but the fear I hear expressed when I talk to people about this:  "Well, what if they found someone better than me and left me for that person?" There are a couple things I HAVE to say there.  Firstly, polyamory doesn't really have that concept of 'left you for them'.  It's not exclusive - finding someone who they click with better in some ways than with you doesn't mean they are required to drop you.  If I find a friend who makes better jokes than my other buddy who I play video games with a lot, I'm not going to drop my other friend.  I'm going to know them both, and my life will be further enriched by my friendship with both.  The same applies for multiple relationships - each person is made happier by the involvement. Point number two on "What if they found someone better and left me for that person":  If that's the core thing keeping us involved in monogamy, than the logical conclusion is that the purpose of monogamous relationships, and by extension marriage, is just to make it more difficult for someone to leave us.  It's setting up road blocks so that if a relationship is flagging, the person won't give up too easily.  Or, at least, will have a hard time leaving if they decide that's what they want to do.  Marriage is the ultimate road block there - it becomes fiscally, legally, socially difficult to end the thing.  But is that what we want our relationships to be - chains that bind us together?  I like to think of my relationships as things that lift me up, make life more beautiful, more worth living.  Not something that will tie me down if it becomes sour.  Nobody likes when a relationship ends - but again, that relies on the binary on/off.  If we don't think of relationships as something that ENDS, but rather just will naturally taper off if it's not really working.... well, if something is just fading because neither person is all that involved/interested, it's not that painful, is it? Final word on this general area of the topic:  Possession.  Monogamy, and marriage, by creating those chains, and setting those limitations, take a big step toward turning your object of affection into just that - an object to be possessed.  This was something I came face-to-face with, and still do to some degree, in polyamory.  Shrugging off the idea of possession.  Mia has had a few other relationships while I've been here, and not feeling like those people are trying to take something that belongs to me was the first biggest hurdle I had to face.  I was raised in a society that tought the idea, and thinking I could just give it up in a day was absurd.  Now, whenever embarking on new ideas like these, it's important to take note of areas that cause this kind of hardship.  It's important to try to weigh if it's causing issue b/c if something in you that you want to keep, or something you want to get rid of.  I've NEVER liked the idea of feeling possessive over a girlfriend, and it's always been something I've strived to overcome, so I don't feel much hesitation at trying to overcome it.  I think that's an idea most people would embrace - nobody wants to think they are possessive of their significant other.  But while on the surface it can be easy to say it's something you don't want, you also have to consider what it means to give that up - not trying to keep them all to yourself.  More than that, it's putting trust in the idea that you are worth coming back to if you "let" them wander.  If you don't, somehow, try to chain them to you. So downfalls of polyamory.  The obvious one is this:  While love is certainly not a limited commodity, time is.  Do I have time to keep 10 relationships going?  Well, depending on the level of those relationships... possibly?  But is it worth keeping 10 surface-level relationships going?  Probably not.  Polyamory doesn't mean everyone is going to love everyone, we're all going to be in relationships with each other.  It might mean you're involved with 2-3 people, instead of just 1.  Maybe you're just involved with 1.  I have no other relationships than Mia right now, Mia doesn't either at the moment.  But we still consider ourselves to be polyamorous, and I still find that idea uplifting.  If I find someone else, I can get involved.  If she finds someone else, she can get involved.  If I find some girl cute, and want to ask her out to a movie or drinks, I don't have to feel bad about it.  More than that, I can talk to Mia about it, get her feedback - she can lift me up in my relationship with the new person.  We have spent several nights talking back and forth to each other about prospective other relationships (that have not, as of yet, ended up going anywhere), but it's fun to do.  It's uplifting.  And in a way, I love her all the more for it. Is polyamory a lifelong commitment?  Do polyamorous couples get married?  I don't know.  I don't have all the answers.  I only have the answers that seem natural to me.  Is it for everyone?  I dunno.  Are there merits to monogamy over polyamory?  Sure.  But the opposite is also true.  What is worrisome isn't that everyone doesn't embrace polyamory - but that everyone (by that I mean the general social idea) accepts monogamy as the one true road without any real clear consideration of alternatives. It all boils down to what's important in life.  Is it important to find one person to make you happy, or is it just important to be happy, no matter if that comes from one person, twenty people, or no people?  Is there value in binding a person to you, or in trusting in your own general worth to keep that relationship strong without having to insulate it from the real world?  Is there value in spending all your time on one person, or dividing your time up amongst multiple people? Please, give me some feedback here.  I'd love to have a good open debate on the topic. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 17th, 2009
8:39 pm	A work conversation... Aaron:    Yeah, I hate it when participants come at ya like they know what they're talking about         ◄    When they don't     4:09:36 PM    ◄    It's easy to get flustered     4:09:40 PM    ◄    PCRA is something specific to Schwab     4:09:45 PM    Emma:      ah i see     4:09:50 PM    ◄    so reliance doesnt have them     4:09:55 PM    Aaron:    I think Reliance plans can have it....     4:09:55 PM    ◄    maybe.....     4:09:57 PM    ◄    I don't kow     4:09:58 PM    ◄    know...     4:10:00 PM    Emma:     urgggg     4:10:00 PM    ◄    youre not helping!!!     4:10:03 PM    ◄    jk     4:10:04 PM    Aaron:    but either way, if it's available, it'll say it on the funds list     4:10:08 PM    ◄    it'll say PCRA Brokerage     4:10:11 PM    ◄    If it doesn't say that, it's not available     4:10:17 PM    ◄    PCRA stands for like... Personal Choice Retirement Account     4:10:29 PM    ◄    We give their money to Schwab, Schwab lets them go fuckin' bananas and invest in anything their peasized, money-grubbing monkey-minds can think of.     4:10:52 PM    ◄    Want to invest in mangos, Koko? You got it!    4:11:05 PM    (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 1st, 2009
1:00 pm	Seeking help with art design! Ever wanted to see a $2500 machine engraved with your art design? There is a local engravery (I know it's not a real term, I don't care) that can engrave the tops of Macbook Pro machines.  They're aluminum.  It's $150 to get it done.  I am willing to pay for this, but I am sorta short on ideas or artistic ability.  SO! At the bottom of this post is a link to an .ai file that is a template for the size/resolution that this art needs to be done in.  The red line around the edge, and the red apple in the middle, are non-engravable areas.  The rest is fair game. I'd love to see something that incorporates the Apple into the design, rather than just working around it/ignoring it. Why would you want to put your time into doing this?  Well... I offer the following reasons: 1)  Could look good in a portfolio for some art institution somewhere, if you have aspirations as such.  (Once it's done, I will post pictures online.) 2)  Your art will be immortalized on a very expensive piece of machinery, at no cost to you. 3)  Maybe you're someone that just likes doing art, and have some spare time to play around with it. 4)  It's a challenge!  The best design will totally win! I have played around with some designs giving the Apple angel wings and a halo, or trying to re-make some famous pieces of art from the past with a focus on the Apple in the center... but I just lack the artistic know-how to make it happen. Anyway, I look forward to (hopefully) getting some awesome ideas/designs from people!  I know everyone I linked isn't necessarily artistically inclined - I'm hoping you might pass this along to any artistic friends you might have.  Feel free to re-post it to pass it along, as well!  To those that do send designs, feel free to send as many as you have ideas for.  There's no limit. You can upload designs to your own picture server and send me a link, email them to me at nosferotu@gmail.com, whatever.  Just as long as the resolution stays high so they come out clear and non-pixelated if it's the one that gets engraved!! Thanks for reading. :) http://dl.getdropbox.com/u/141871/macbook%20designs/MBP15.ai (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 22nd, 2008
11:31 pm	Negative nostalgia So I was just re-reading my couple posts regarding moving to Portland, particularly the one I posted while in Glenwood on the way up here, and I have to say - moving to Portland was like the most emotionally painful single experience of my life so far.  I would not go through it again for ANYTHING.  Now that I'm settled in, I love it here, and I'm glad I did it, and I wouldn't UNDO it... but god DAMN it was HORRIBLE.  Packing everything up, leaving nearly everyone I know and love, driving all the way across the country... the first day, driving from Lincoln to Glenwood, was like spiritual death.  I was just horribly sad, depressed, scared, lost, lonely, blah blah blah.  Oh man... I am so glad I don't have to go through that again.  I can only imagine, being more uprooted now, moving somewhere from here would be much easier.  Know less people, been here less time. Seriously, I can't say "holy god" enough to express, in retrospect, how difficult that was.  Ugh. Anyways!  So Grant asked me to be one of his groomsmen at his wedding, which is awesome.  He's gettin' hitched August 15, so I gotta catch me a jet plane back into town sometime around then.  Hoping to make it back in to visit before then at some point (obviously), but still... pretty exciting.  Though when we were talking on the phone about it, he kept calling Mike a very insensitive, offensive word (that I won't repeat here), and frankly it was sort of shocking. Anyway, tomorrow is looking like another day off work due to snow, but I'm gonna go ahead and bed down incase I end up having to go in after all (albeit a couple hours late). (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, November 10th, 2008
10:28 pm	I live in Portland, OR It's true, I do.  What I mean is... I don't feel like I'm on vacation, or I'm just visiting.  I feel like I live here now - and I keep accidentally typing 'love' in place of 'live', which is not inappropriate.  It's a really cool city.  I feel very safe here, very comfortable - much like I felt right at home my first time on UNL campus when I started into college.  I feel like I'm in the right place for the person I am, or possibly the person I WANT to be. That said, I need to establish some people connections.  I have Mia, and Mike, but beyond that it's been thin.  Marsha is cool, but I haven't seen her much.  Mia's two friends, Corey and Karen, are really cool, but they're sorta homebodies like I am (being lately).  I've met several of the folk that live in the building here... Shaun, Katie, Katie, Emily... couple friends of theirs... the other night, Mike and I went to this work event his UPS job was having, karaoke thing.  Met this dude Cooper who was really cool, and this chick MIchelle.  But I've picked up no new phone numbers, aren't making really the kind of human connections (yet) that I had back home.  I was looking through pictures of Halloween in Lincoln, saw all my old buddies and realized I really missed 'em.  Feeling shitty last night (for a few minutes), I thought the obvious 'what if'.  But I realized, with very little thought, that moving back to Lincoln would be massively unsatisfying.  All it has to offer me are my parents, and my friends there.  Yes, friends and family are the most important thing in life... but they're not the ONLY thing, and I have to pursue being the person I  want to be.  That means being here, in Portland. I should really try to contact David.  That fucker wouldn't give me his number before. Anyway... wish me luck.  Just wanted to check in.  Overall, I've been having a good time.  Trying to at least get out some every day, while there's not a lot going on in my life (work-wise, waiting to start this Wednesday).  Playing lots of video games.  Rode my bike (with Mike) to the top of Mt. Tabor today, really great view of the city but I fucking wore myself out so much I could hardly enjoy it.  Need to do that ride again sometime soon when I'm more prepared for it.  Would also love to buy some new grips for my bike, maybe some clothing more suiting to a long bike ride.  No, not spandex.  I've found all kinds of fun things to spend my money on since I moved here - and to think, I ran out of stuff to buy when I was in Lincoln. Anyway, Mia's here, we're gonna play Rock Band.  Peace! -A (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 29th, 2008
11:44 am	Homeless So the move has begun, and I'm now sitting on the deck at my aunt and uncle's house in Glenwood Springs, CO, everything I own is in my car, and I'm homeless!  Woo! Mia and I will be seeing the sights around here for a few days, then take off for Portland, where I'll crash with her for a while until I manage to find a place of my own. I'm considering starting a new LiveJournal to post in, as I have actual reason to post now that it's going to be less easy to keep contact with people than if they just lived across the street.  New chapter = new livejournal.  I'll link to it from here if I do. Yesterday was a fucking TAXING day.  Leaving was sad, my parents were all weepy, I was all weepy, etc.  I'm glad I had Mia with me, it woulda been pretty damn lonely driving up here by myself yesterday.  Talk about emotionally friggin' exhausting.  Got a little sad on the way to bed last night, but Mia and I stayed up talking and I ended up feeling better.  Really, I am fine myself - I'm only sad considering that others might be sad because I left.  Like, I know my parents are sad and miss me, and I feel like that's my fault, so I feel bad about it. :(  And of course, I miss 'em.  And Angie.  But not you, Grant.  You're a dick.  BOOYA! Peace. Current Mood: determined (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 20th, 2008
1:03 pm	It's now or never, take a chance on rock 'n' roll. What the hell ever happened to the straight up healing power of rock 'n' roll?  That's what's wrong with bands today.  They all whine about bullshit.  Back in the day, you had real bands making songs about how EVERY fucking problem in the world could be solved with rock.  It's like they genuinely believed that we should just mount Humvee's with giant speakers and blast our way through other countries with a wailing guitar riff, and they'd all come around to the American way of thinking.  Like, that kind of music was the pinnacle of American culture (the good parts).  It's all been downhill since then, music-wise. So I'm moving to Portland a week from tomorrow.  I'm not sure if I should be scared or not... I'm not, but I sorta feel like I ought to be?  I dunno.  Maybe it just doesn't seem real.  Nah, that's BS, it definitely seems real.  I'm excited! By the way, Grant - I think this next Friday is the final going away hurrah for me down here in Lincoln.  Probably gonna be a BBQ at someone's place, then going to the Road House to see my dad's band play.  So be here, motherfucker! Current Music: Boston - Feelin' Satisfied (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 18th, 2008
10:10 am	The yesterday conundrum So I'm moved out of my house and into a temporary living situation for a month, before going to Portland.  While I thought this move would be more depressing than it is, I'm finding myself okay with it.  I think it's a cross between not really feeling like it's a step backwards, because I know it's a temporary thing, and because it's another way I've disconnected myself from obligation here in Lincoln so that I can get to Portland.  I'm excited about it, if anything, because I can save a lot of money, and it brings me closer to the ultimate goal here. I've been sick all weekend, and while moving with an illness wasn't much fun, I've also shut in since I got all the moving done.  Hutson and Buzz have both called me wanting to hang out, and I do want to hang out, as I know I need to keep myself busy to not fall into a rut and become a hermit.  On the other hand, I've wanted to take it easy so I could get better and get back to work today.  I am back to work today, which seems to mean I'm okay to go out and hang.  Which I plan on doing. However, this move has made me introspective and... nostalgic.  I was looking at pictures of a girl I knew from my time in Tokyo earlier today, and it made me think of the pictures I have from back then.  Made me go back and read some of my livejournal posts from my time there.  And it made me realize how mundane the moment always feels, no matter how amazing it might be to consider in the future, or in retrospect.  When I think back to Tokyo, there is always one moment that stands out to me, when I was sitting in an izakaya with most of the group I spent my time with over there.  We were ordering drinks, taking pictures, chatting, having a good time.  It wasn't anything special - god knows I spent enough nights doing those exact same things with those exact same people.  But for some reason, this one particular izakaya stands out in my mind.  At the time, I remember it seeming very ordinary and mundane.  In retrospect, I wish I could go back there, be back there, with those people, doing those things.  I remember them with wonder and awe, but at the time... it was sitting in a place, with people, doing things.  No awe, or sense of wonder.  Certainly there are times when we experience wonder in the moment - looking at amazing pieces of art, architecture, nature, whatever... but for the most part, life seems made up of ordinary moments that become extraordinary in retrospect. So now I think back on my time living in the house with Buzz, Casey, and Mike, and I know a year down the line, I will want to be back there.  NOW, I want to be back there, but in a different way.  20 years from now, it will be a distant, fond, wonderful memory.  And 20 years after that, 20 years from now will be the same.  Spending life looking backwards at what has come before, it's easy to miss out on how beautiful and wonderful the moment is that you're missing by dreaming of what you left behind.  What *I* left behind.  And for some reason, it's even easier to get lost in nostalgia when you feel like you didn't appreciate those moments before as much as you should have, as they were happening... Ironically leading you to similarly disregard the current moments. I guess what I'm saying is that it's become an imperative in my life to see the moment I am in for all that it is - wonderful and amazing, as well as mundane.  And to recognize that even mundane is amazing in its own way... that I could find myself a rut in the middle of such an incredible world. I also find myself stunned by how much I have changed.  I feared change for a long time, and sometimes I still do, when I am feeling more weak or vulnerable.  But I find myself now living in flux - out of one house, and in another for only a short time before a massive alteration in where I do what I do.  There is not much stability, and not only does it not frighten me, but it thrills me.  More and more, I find myself wanting to live a life with less stability and more constant adaptation... constant change.  When I'm in a rut, it can become easy to accept and fight for.  But now, in change, I feel truly alive.  I feel proud to be who I am.  I feel like I can handle whatever comes at me. Current Music: You Know Too Much About Flying - William Orbit (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 8th, 2008
11:16 am	Do you know what the shocker is? There was a link to a bunch of chicks throwing the shocker on Digg, and the posted responses made me laugh so hard I teared up.  I decided to make a comprehensive list of people's shocker rhymes. First, the classic: 2 in the pink, 1 in the stink Aaaaand the rest: 2 in the curtain, 1 for the hurtin' 2 in the fun, 1 in the bun 2 going down, 1 in the brown 2 in the Red, 1 in the Shed(if that time of the month) 2 in the slit, 1 in the shit 2 for the taco, 1 for her Paco 2 in the door, 1 on the floor 2 in the door, 1 in the gore 2 for the friend, 1 in the end 2 in the cunt, 1 in the runt 2 for the meat, 1 in her seat 2 in the flap, 1 in the crap 2 in the gear, 1 in the rear 2 for the pumper, 1 for the dumper 2 for the tube, 1 with some lube 2 in the cunt, 1 in the grunt 2 in the sock, 1 for the shock 2 in the junk, 1 in the trunk 2 in the girl, 1 in the swirl 2 in the cootie, 1 in the booty 2 in the porn, 1 for the corn 2 in the pink slot, 1 in the stink pot 2 in the juice, 1 in the caboose 2 from the hand, 1 for the gland 2 in the chute, 1 in the poot 2 for her, 1 for me!! Gross!! 2 in the pocket, 1 in the chocolate 2 for the Kitty, 1 in the Shitty 2 for the team, 1 in the steam 2 in the cunt, 1 up her ass 2 in the goo, 1 in the poo 2 in the bush, 1 in the tush 2 where the meat goes, 1 where the heat blows 2 in the blood, 1 in the mud 2 in the fucker, 1 in the pucker 2 in the meadow, 1 in the ghetto aaaaand... 2 in the schlong-dock, 1 in the pink sock. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 28th, 2008
11:13 am	Why I don't want to work here anymore... This might be difficult to decipher for people who haven't worked at the Bureau, but this is sorta why I'd like to not have to deal with my direct supervisor anymore.  Direct conversation from our inner-agency IM program: Aaron:    Hey - I notice you've got 1 hour on PP18 for Activity, which is actually next week, after the 31st.  Did you mean for that to be for this week? Aaron:    I don't know if you or Casey put it on the billing sheet, but it's on the Activity billing sheet. (Supervisor):  No, it is for the week indicated.  I estimated my time being spent this week since we need to bill it.  Casey put it on the billing sheet. Aaron:    I don't see it reflected on the hours spreadsheet anywhere, but on the billing sheet, it's under Pay Period 18, which actually starts on August 1.  We're only billing Activity up to July 31st, as that's when the contract ends, right? (Supervisor):    Sounds like we need to discuss this in our meeting with the 3 of us.  Casey ran over to Admin to drop off some paperwork, I asked her to let you know when she is back and then we can meet. Really?  Do we have to have a whole meeting about someone entering 1 hour of time one column to the right of where it should have been in a spreadsheet?  You realize, of course, that a half an hour meeting of my time, Casey's time, and my supervisor's time, costs the Bureau roughly $170.  The time is entered for August 1 - 15, which is after the contract ends, so THERE IS NO WAY IT SHOULD BE THERE.  WE CANT BILL THEM FOR THAT TIME.  WHAT THE FUCK DO WE HAVE TO MEET ABOUT THIS FOR, IT SHOULD BE FOR ONE PAY PERIOD EARLIER!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I work with monkeys. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 24th, 2008
7:48 pm	People and things that make the world beautiful (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 16th, 2008
4:17 pm	The line between hardcore and gay Aaron (4:09:30 PM): Man, sounds like there are two kinds of people in the Navy, assholes and closeted gays. Mike (4:10:25 PM): Wait wha? Mike (4:10:47 PM): So am I an asshole, or do you think I'm gay? Aaron (4:13:28 PM): I dunno, laughin' in a dude's face? Aaron (4:13:35 PM): That's pretty gay. Mike (4:15:11 PM): It's hardcore, not submitting to the man! Mike (4:15:16 PM): Or gay. Aaron (4:15:56 PM): I guess it depends on how 'in his face' you were. Aaron (4:16:31 PM): 8" - 4" = Hardcore 4" - 0" = Gay Aaron (4:16:50 PM): 0" - -7" = Really gay Aaron (4:16:53 PM): hahaha (Comment on this)
Monday, June 9th, 2008
4:55 pm	Rose doesn't CARE!! Dear Diary, I hate Rose!  She doesn't even care!  My life is a pit of darkness where I am haunted on all sides by the demons of close-minded stupid people who don't understand why I cut myself and cry every night, and only talk about myself and what's wrong with me!  And Rose pretends to care, but she doesn't REALLY care! No one understands me! Blood and chocolate, Sanguine P.S. - I am so alone. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008
11:56 pm	Salvia Tried salvia tonight.  Talked to Andrea online shortly after, and did a decent job (as best I think I could hope to manage) at describing what I experienced. 11:44:00 PM nosferotu: It wasn't that I forgot, it was that there was no self 11:44:15 PM nosferotu: My eyes were open, I didn't have to close 'em or anything 11:44:22 PM nosferotu: I assume anyway, b/c Mike says I was looking at him for a while 11:44:32 PM nosferotu: But I had zero perception of what was in front of my eyes 11:44:50 PM nosferotu: I lost my sense of self entirely.  It wasn't that I forgot who I was, or what I was doing, it was that I ceased to exist as an individual. 11:45:37 PM nosferotu: I remember having a concept of myself as an old woman... at a carnival.  Like a gypsy woman.  And I remember seeing myself repeated a thousand times in a circle, like a pinwheel.  Not me in body, but like... the idea of myself.  Stretching out like into infinity. 11:46:13 PM nosferotu: I felt this pressure on my left, like as if I was laying on the ground, but I wasn't, I was sitting in the chair, and it was sort of like a burning sensation, like the parts of me that would be touching the ground if I were laying down were completely asleep 11:46:17 PM nosferotu: That sort of tingly burning feeling 11:46:32 PM nosferotu: I felt it pushing me to the side, or pushing me back into myself 11:46:46 PM nosferotu: I remember Mike saying something to me, and I remember thinking he thought he knew who he was talking to, but that wasn't me, it was all wrong 11:46:59 PM nosferotu: There was a weird... phasing of identity, from the gypsy woman to myself 11:47:14 PM nosferotu: It was like she slowly realized she wasn't real, and I slowly realized I was 11:47:24 PM nosferotu: Even though it started as her thinking Mike was trying to talk to me, but I wasn't there, she was 11:47:45 PM nosferotu: Then I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe, or hadn't been breathing, it was like I was coming back to life from the dead 11:47:53 PM nosferotu: I started gasping for breaths, and sweating, and I got really cold 11:48:12 PM nosferotu: and slowly I realized where I was, but as I was remembering where I was and what I was doing, I felt like I was surrounded by people 11:48:24 PM nosferotu: All around me, hundreds of people, looking at me 11:48:43 PM nosferotu: And I remember thinking maybe something was horribly wrong, maybe I'd just done some irreversible damage to my brain.  But I was only partially myself then, I was still partially the woman.  And I didn't remember having smoked, or what was going on, or which was real - the gypsy woman or the reality I was phasing into.  I got really scared, but I got really scared because I felt like I was actually the gypsy woman, and this false reality was forcing itself on me, making me believe I was this guy Aaron. 11:48:55 PM nosferotu: It was her worrying, but then it became me 11:49:08 PM nosferotu: Then I realized who I was, and why nothing was making sense.  I remember it dawned on me that I was actually Aaron, and it was the gypsy woman that was the hallucination. 11:49:20 PM nosferotu: Slowly came back into my own skin 11:49:32 PM nosferotu: And all the people disappeared, and just Mike was there 11:49:44 PM nosferotu: I never saw them, the people, I just sorta felt them.  Or just KNEW they were there. 11:49:53 PM nosferotu: Like I'd know that I am here, that sort of thing. 11:50:24 PM nosferotu: Then I started laughing, and crying out of happiness.  Felt like I had just made a connection with a long gone friend or something. 11:51:04 PM nosferotu: Sat back, caught my breath, and let reality roll back in 11:51:47 PM nosferotu: God it was something else 11:52:00 PM nosferotu: There was no gradual approach of  getting high.  it hit me like a truck. Addendum:  The start of the thing felt basically like my entire being was wiped clean, I was a totally empty shell, then in a single instant I suddenly realized that I existed and had to come to terms with it (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 29th, 2008
8:01 pm	My adult conversation with Brad - UPDATED The background:  My roommate shows zero respect for us.  He's had the garage for his own personal use for 2 years now, no one has challenged it.  I had a bike that I kept in there - kept asking him to please close the garage when he left so no one would steal it.  He refused to close the garage, ever.  He did once, the first time I asked.  Then stopped.  I reminded him nicely, politely, respectfully, and he kept refusing to do it.  In a very passive aggressive way.  No response to my requests - he just wouldn't do it.  My bike got stolen. ($400) I got a new bike ($400), I keep it in the garage.  I figured he'd DEFINITELY have to close the thing when he leaves now - the last bike got stolen!  A little courtesy perhaps.  He still refuses to do it, in the same way - doesn't talk to me, just doesn't do it.  I've begged him to, I've asked him nicely, last thing I said about it was that if he refused to do me that single little tiny respect, then maybe we should all get to use the garage because him having it all for himself was just a respectful thing from us to him.  So tonight I decided to park my car in the garage. Here's the text conversation that followed this.  I want to say here that while it might seem like a dick move, there is a storm coming in, he's not here, and the storm is gonna have hail.  And again - we all pay equal rent, and we all live here.  He also doesn't do anything else to help around the house (trash, dishes, cleaning up, etc.), Casey and I do everything, including his dishes and cleaning up his messes. Me:  Hey man.  Just a heads up.  I am puttin my car in the garage.  Storm comin in like the last one. Brad:  Well have it out when I come home Me:  I dunno man.  I think we ought to start sharin using the garage.  We all pay for the house. Brad:  Uh no, wait ur turn.  Just cuz im gone doesn't mean u can decide to take it over conveniently when a storms coming Me:  Wait my turn?  You have had it for a year.  It is not to stick you out in the storm.  But I think its perfectly fair to share it. Brad:  Start sharing it when I move out, I cleaned it out u didn't.  I was here before u so deal with it. Me:  Well we all pay equally and you have had it all this time.  We can talk to Casey if you want but I am sure he will back me up on this.  It's only fair. Brad:  His opinion means shit, wait a month then do whatever.  U have 'waited' this long another month won't kill u.  Ur just bein a dick on purpose Me:  What reason have you given me to want to offer you respect by letting you have the garage for yourself, man. Brad:  Letting me??  Thanks so much.  Fuck u and quit bein a bitch. Me:  You have no more right to it than we do.  We all pay rent.  So yes... we have been letting you have it to yourself.  This is not YOUR house.  it is all of ours. Brad:  Uh no, did u clean it out and make it usable?  No u didn't so wait a month and quit being a bitch. Me:  I was not even living here at the time.  But it is still not YOUR garage.  It is all of ours.  There was no agreement about who uses it.  So I think we should all share it. Brad:  All ur doin is trying to start shit Me:  I am really not, man.  We have been respectful to you so far.  You have proven you won't be in return.  So why would I wanna keep it up? Brad:  Uh no, u move in so I have to do what u say?  It don't work that way Me:  You don't have to do what I say.  We should all decide.  We all pay rent.  Again... we can talk to Casey if you want. Brad:  No I don't care ur just bein a dick keep ur whinny mouth shut and wait a month Me:  Really man?  You need to learn to have a conversation like an adult and not just throw a fit when you don't get your way. Brad:  U need to realize that just cuz u say u want something, conveniently a month before I move out, doesn't mean u get it Brad:  Ur one to talk.  Before u say ur doing something... Then talk, try talking then decide if ur gonna do it.  Don't just text me and say ur doing, tuff. ***UPDATE*** I didn't respond for about half an hour, as he refused to talk like an adult.  Then I spelled out the fact that he doesn't do anything around the house to help - dishes, trash, etc.  Wouldn't even do me that courtesy of closing the garage door.  But then I said, again still nicely, that I didn't care too much about parking in the garage so if he was willing to promise me he'd keep it closed when he wasn't taking his car in/out, I wouldn't give him any problem with having it to himself.  "Does that sound like a fair compromise to you?" was my last text to him. He didn't respond, but he did come home this morning and park behind Casey in the driveway, blocking both him and me in, then leave in his van to go to work.  Casey has to go into work at 3, but can't get his car out now.  I ride my bike to work, so it's no real sweat for me, but I had planned to move my car out of the garage this morning (as I really just wanted to get it out of the storm).  Can't do that now.  It was my intention to let him have it, then if he left it open, park in there again, per the agreement I offered (which seems perfectly fair to me). My roommate is a passive-aggressive asshole. Current Mood: aggravated (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 25th, 2008
3:52 am	All I want in life's a little bit of love to take the pain away. Sometimes, in very calm moments, I can feel so overwhelmed by love, and by the beauty and simplicity of the world around me.  How pure and unfettered it is by all of our silly human problems.  How clear of conscience.  How unburdened by expectation, or pressure to accomplish, to succeed, to reproduce, to define. In calm moments, sometimes, it feels like my heart is going to burst.  I can hardly contain it. Current Music: Ladies and Gentlemen, We Are Floating In Space - Spiritualized (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008
3:02 pm	My blog I know right now it's mostly political, but I really do intend to focus on ANY topics. Politics is just on the plate at the moment. But check it out please, and do feel free to comment/add your thoughts/bookmark it/RSS feed it/Stumble it/Digg it/whatever! More than wanting to get my ideas out there, I want to get feedback on them! Here it is! If the link doesn't work (it was working strangely before), go to: http://johnnygphilosophy.blogspot.com (Comment on this)
Monday, April 28th, 2008
1:31 pm	The Fight For Obama Requires Fewer Euphemisms and More Truth By Frank Schaeffer Now we come to it: the real fight for Obama in the harsh light of day. What Obama is up against is essentially the jeering section of the national lunatic asylum. What America is up against is the very real possibility that this jeering section will out shout the rest of us. Beware lest we let them sneer us into oblivion. The battle lines of the contest for the Democratic Party nomination and the White House are clear. Strip away the euphemisms and we see that the choice before us is not a choice between various candidates and various positions but a choice of historic magnitude about the character of America. Before saying more let me say that I am an optimist. I believe that Obama will be our next president because his support comes from a widely diverse group of people, from some like me -- a white middle class 55-year-old lifelong Republican, now reregistered as an independent -- to traditional Democrats, blacks, young people, women and men of all races and beliefs. We are united in our hope for a better future. I believe that our disparate group of individuals outnumber those firmly stuck in the past. We will win if we hang tough together and tell the truth. At the core of the Obama candidacy is the belief that freethinking openhearted people in America outnumber cretins, racists, the willfully ignorant, the gleefully hate-filled, the small minded, the backward looking, jingoistic morons, the frightened, the addicts of brain-wrecking soundbites, and above all those stuck in a pattern of thinking that leads inevitably to shrunken horizons. What are the spoken "arguments" against Obama? He doesn't wear a flag pin... His minister said harsh things... The blue collar vote don't all like him... In the words of the inimitable George Stephanopoulos; Obama can't say for sure if his minister is as patriotic as he is... Since these banalities can't possibly explain why there is even a discussion about the choice between Obama and the Clinton hack machine what's really going on? Here are the real reasons that the Democratic Party has not yet embraced Obama overwhelmingly: 1) This country has a racist streak running through it that is well entrenched in both parties. 2) We include amongst us an undereducated geographically ignorant nation-within-a-nation who are afraid of the world outside of our borders, terrified by the eternal "other," that perpetual "threat" that takes new forms but never changes -- from the late Saddam Hussein to the last Mexican to crawl over the border. Clinton and McCain cater to those with a bad case of paranoia. Obama does not. Combine the latent racism that the Clintons so handily embrace when they euphemistically describe the "blue collar" vote as unwinnable for Obama, with the willful ignorance of too many Americans about the world, and the idea of voting for a well-educated, worldly wise, kind, openhearted, unafraid, urbane, hard-to-ruffle, charismatic black man is a scary proposition. He just isn't scared enough! He just isn't keeping his place! He is just too decent! He's just to sane to be "one of us!" In Obama we have a choice that will set the stage for the foreseeable American future. On the one hand Obama faces McCain; the aging war making enthusiast, the next "prophet" of American exceptionalism, a true believer in military sacrifice as the highest value, even sacrifice for "victory" in unwinnable wars. On the other hand Obama is trying to overcome the perpetually ambitious Clinton machine, fastened to his ankle like a rabid dog, unable to bring him down but very able to distract and draw blood. Here are the actual choices: Obama or war without end. Obama or ambition without moral boundaries without end. The Clinton/McCain partisans will never say it but they are counting on the worst in the American character in order to "win." Without the support of the racists, the stupid, the undereducated and the perpetually paranoid neither McCain nor Clinton stands a chance. They count on the worst in our national character in the same way that oncologists count on new cases of cancer -- pay lip service is to the cure, but thank God for the sickness! (And by the way the Clinton canard that the blue collar vote is un-winnable for Obama is an insult to most working people.) This election is a moral test of our national character. If we fail this test, if we allow the mainstream media to derail the process with their insanely tawdry, lowest common denominator soundbites, if we allow the Clintons thinly veiled "I'm more electable" (e.g., more white!) racism to triumph, or worse yet, if we vote for the perpetuation of four (and perhaps eight) more years of the Bush regime reincarnated as McCain, we will have not only turned the clock back but slammed the door on the best chance our country has been given in generations. It is no accident that the rest of the world is so incredibly interested in this year's American election. Obama is liked (actually loved) all over the world. What an incredible opportunity for us to elect someone who brings such a favorable worldwide standing with him to day one of his presidency. How do we really make America safer? For a start, put a president in charge who is liked and respected and who changes the way others see us for the better. It is up to those of us who support Obama to fight like hell and make sure that we do not become infected by the insidious despair inherent in the arguments made by the Clintons about who is "electable," or by the Republicans, whose bellicose rhetoric presupposes that America will be hated forever. Which line would you rather be standing in; a line leading to a future where America is liked and respected again, where our president represents the best about us, or the line back to a world where we are disrespected hated and, moreover, hate ourselves? Let's state our case openly. Let's trust most of our fellow Americans to rise to the occasion. The choice is clear. The time for euphemisms is past. Let's confront our worst national faults head on. This year's contest for the presidency is between all that is worst about America and all that is greatest. I believe in America. I believe in Obama. If we hang in there we will win. Frank Schaeffer is a writer and author of "CRAZY FOR GOD-How I Grew Up As One Of The Elect, Helped Found The Religious Right, And Lived To Take All (Or Almost All) Of It Back" (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 27th, 2008
12:02 pm	Staring down the long years I am at the cusp of a pivotal moment in my life.  I have big plans for the future, which involve moving completely out of my comfort zone and going back into school in a new place, in a much less financially secure situation than previously, and doing it all without any idea exactly how I'm going to do it at this point.  I guess I'm trusting in my general luck from the past to have gotten things done. Sometimes I don't consider the implications of moving out of state... and sometimes I do.  I know that I've had fun in Portland, it's a cool little town with cool people, and I look forward to getting a chance to try out a life there.  However, I often don't do much thinking beyond the act of moving up there - I'm not sure where I'm going to find a job, and more intense is the thought that I don't know if I'm going to be coming back sometime in the future.  There is the real thought that catches me... I don't feel like I am moving to Portland as a permanent, rest of my life kind of thing... but I don't really have the next step planned either, and who knows if it'll pop up or if I really will end up staying up there for the long, long haul. In my weaker moments, when I am slow and contemplative, when I cling to the past and the comfort of my current rut, I get scared.  I am afraid that I may not be strong enough to take on the life ahead of me alone.  I feel small.  I feel incapable of dealing with the whole world by myself.  The thought of actually getting out there does buoy me upwards, but even so, when I am feeling oriented toward my youth rather than toward my maturity, I can be afraid of what I am taking on. However, in moments of strength, I am excited beyond belief to get out there and get moving on what will essentially be a new life.  Trying out my new self, interacting with people who have not known me for years previous and will not know anything about me more than what I tell them.  Who will have no way to find out more.  Who won't know what to expect of me.  I just hope that I really do have the safety net of my own sanity that I sort of assume is there.  Who knows what's going to happen, but I guess this is what life is all about.  The longer I go between forcing myself out of my comfort zone, the more frightening it becomes to do so.  However, once I get out there, the past has shown I do have a good time with it - so here's to the future, and I hope that I can handle it as well as I'd like to. (1 Comment |Comment on this)